10 Days of Relational Ramblings Day One

Resolving Conflict Within Your Relationship.

His thoughts:

Working through conflict can be difficult. It may be one of the more difficult challenges in a marriage relationship. The following are snippets of what I have personally learned about conflict resolution through trial and much error. First, for the sake of full disclosure I must say that while I am aware of these resolution concepts and strategies, I do not always use them when I should. Fortunately, we are not called to be perfect. Rather, we are called accept that we are NOT perfect and to build on our failures as we reach toward the good things that God has for us. Bearing this in mind, here we go...

1. Control your emotions, words and behaviors
Don't allow yourself to get angry and fly off the handle. This will blow the conflict out of proportion and send your interaction down a path you do not want it to go. Sometimes it feels like you can control the situation through yelling and intimidation, but trust me, it doesn't work. In fact, this usually makes things worse. Until you can get your anger under control, you may want to think about taking some time to cool down before engaging the situation further.

Anger is a natural emotion but it can be controlled. Be aware of the fact that your thoughts often trigger emotions. If you can think about the situation differently, you may be able to feel less angry. 

2. Respect her verbally and non-verbally
Be aware of what you say and how you say it. Watch your tone of voice and gestures. Bottom line, respect your wife with your words. 

Additionally, what you don't say matters too. One of the best ways to show respect without saying a word is by listening. Let your husband/wife speak. Give him or her time to finish their thoughts (even if it takes a while). Don't be afraid of silent pauses. Respectfully reflect back what you heard in order to make sure you really understood what he/she said.

3. Assume that she could be right 
Have you ever been wrong before? I have. I know it's hard to admit it in the moment. However, instead of waiting to find out that you were wrong and looking... well, stupid... at least assume that being wrong could be a possibility from the onset. This can really help to change your mindset about the conflict and make the thought of being wrong less personally offensive overall. 

4. Be willing to forgive
Sometimes conflict is due to an offense, and even when it's not, it is easy to get offended in the process of conflict. When we are offended by our spouse we have no choice but to forgive. A marriage relationship will inevitably struggle if unforgiveness is present. So if you want to have a successful marriage, choose to forgive. If you don't do it now, you will have to do it at some point.

5. Be specific
Don't get caught up in the vague untruth of "always" and "never" statements. Be specific about what the issue is and use an example of when it happened. Generalities often lead to exaggeration and increased levels of conflict. 

6. Compromise
You may think that your husband or wife never compromises, so why should you? Yes, and what if they are thinking the same thing? Choose to avoid this viscous cycle. Be willing to compromise first on issues that do not compromise your faith or core values. Compromise on something that is important to you. Set the example for your spouse and show them how much you love them. Maybe they will do the same in return.


Her thoughts: 

Conflict resolution.

Conflict resolution? 

Conflict resolution!

Sometimes this is how I feel about resolving conflict within our marriage. At first it is what it is, period. Then there are questions I have to ask myself. Often really big conflicts cause really big questions to arise. After that is often when the exclamatory begins. The heat rises; the stakes rise. 

CONFLICT RESOLUTION becomes CONFLICT when the questions grow louder than the answers. 

And sometimes there just are not easy answers. Sometimes there are no real answers at all. I think this makes some people really uncomfortable. I remember our first big argument as a married couple. It is kind of one of those etched eternally into our memories type of moments. We yelled. We don't even remember the original cause of the "fight" now, but we both remember his threat, "You say one more word and I am walking out." I guess it was my child-like, goofy nature and also a bit of my newly married "testing the waters"  type thought that caused me to react by simply saying, "Word!". At this he stubbornly and without another moments hesitation walked right out our door. I had no idea where he was going and I doubt he really did either. He showed me two things in that moment. 
1. He was a man of his word.
2. He was stubborn as all heck. 

I was stubborn as all heck too, though. In the end that "fight" ended with beauty and grace and mercy and probably a pretty good make-out session if I recall correctly. Ha! We can joke about it now. But in those moments where feelings are hurt and words are said or actions are done that hurt, there has to be something that causes the couple to look inside themselves and ultimately choose something. 

You either choose self...

Or, you choose to die to self. 

There really are no other choices. Within conflict resolution we have had to ask ourselves and each other some very difficult questions. But ultimately the greatest question to ask oneself within a conflict is this.

Am I willing to die upon this hill? 

In other words, does this conflict and being "right" in it matter more to me than the relationship it would be sacrificing to "win" the temporary battle? One thing Sean is VERY good at doing within conflict is his ability to say he is sorry. Believe it or not, he is usually the one to say it first. I am the bugger who holds out and doesn't want to admit my wrong. We have also resolved (as much as humanly possible) to talk through our conflicts before the sun goes down. There is something to be said about refusing to allow a seed of bitterness or hurt to grow. And instead, choosing to put out the flames of hurt through doing our best to find resolution and honor even in the disagreement or struggle, before the day is done. 

Guided prayer thought: Dear God, please show us what hills we need to stop standing on and where you are calling us to die to ourselves and follow your example of loving others above ourselves. Help us work on utilizing the tools and knowledge we have, in order to resolve conflict or even avoid it altogether. Teach our hearts to ask the right questions within conflict. Teach us to choose commitment and forgiveness above the need to be right. Help us to forgive as you forgave us. In Jesus' name we ask, amen.

Scripture: Ephesians 4:26 And don't sin by letting anger control you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Colossians 3:13 Make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.