10 Days of Relational Ramblings Day Two

Why Friends are Still Important

His Thoughts: I think most happily married individuals would say that their spouse is their best friend and I tend to agree. But what happens to your other friends after you get married? Life gets insanely busy when you’re married. After all, we have kids and kids have sports and concerts and we are the taxi service, right? We also have jobs, and yes I said “jobs” plural because many of us have part-time jobs on top of full-time jobs. Bottom line is that we are busy so who has time for friends, right? The answer…  none of us do, but we have to make time anyway!

First, I believe that we have to keep in mind that life is a roller-coaster. We never know when a major crisis is around the corner. Difficult times in life can become increasingly difficult without an established support network. Build a support network now; don’t wait for the next crisis!

Secondly, we NEED accountability. Keep a select few friends who are close enough and know you well enough to ask difficult questions. These should be friends who you are comfortable with and who you trust. Give them permission to speak into your life and don’t get sensitive or easily offended when they speak truth to you.

If you are a guy, these close friends should be guys. If you are a lady, these close friends should be ladies. I am going to be totally honest and say that I don’t buy the idea of men having close female relationships outside of their wife or women having close male relationships outside of their husband.

These close friends also need to be grounded in their faith and people who will call you up, not bring you down.

So why are we talking about friends, this is supposed to be a marriage blog, right? In my opinion, it takes two healthy individuals in order to make a healthy marriage. Putting people and structure in your life that challenges you to be a better individual will also make you a better spouse. Often, when marriages fail, it’s because one or both individuals in a relationship start making toxic decisions. This often happens for one of two reasons: 1) one or both individuals have isolated themselves and do not have any positive influencers, or 2) one or both individuals have surrounded themselves with negative influencers. Both of these scenarios can be equally destructive. Make a choice to purposefully surround yourself with positive influencers. This takes work but it’s worth it! Hebrews 10:24-25

Her Thoughts: As women we often fear that "our dirty laundry" is going to be aired if we share our struggles. Because of the tendency for women to be gossipers and back biters and looking for opportunity to tear one another down not build one another up. But God wants something different for His children. The band of godly sisterhood is so invaluable when relationship struggles arise. It is so important to have that group of trusted sisters who will believe the best in YOU ANDDDDD YOUR HUSBAND! Finding a band of sisters who will be willing to call you OUT and UP and INTO what God sees in you and your spouse! 

There is need for this particularly when struggles arise and they WILL arise because we are all only human. The need is for both the ability to confess as well as then have support.

The beauty of confessing our sins and struggles one with another is that then when the battle is raging we aren't alone in the fight. Satan knows we are weaker alone and so often he uses fear, lies, insecurities and/or a feeling of superiority or competency on our own sometimes too, to isolate us in our battles. 

One caveat, most often it is wisest NOT to share your burdens and struggles in marriage with close family, as this can create bitterness and unforgiveness from them toward your spouse and quickly turn the struggle into a "his side/her side" issue. However, ask the Holy Spirit and use your best judgment and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you. Sometimes true healing can only take place through complete honesty with those nearest and dearest. The work of healing through struggles is messy and yet in the end, God can receive the glory when we stand up victorious as whole families under intense struggle. 

Purposing to find friends who are willing to remain neutral and are committed to helping both Sean and I find unity and healing has (outside of God alone) saved our marriage in so many ways. This was SO SO CRUCIAL, that we found Godly friends that did not create separation in us or give me "nicey nice" reasons why only I was right! (Another caveat is that abuse is much different than broken promises, if abuse is occurring within your marriage in any form, please seek professional help!)

I really value the imagery that this verse in Proverbs creates, Proverbs 25:14 says that broken promises are like the wind and the clouds that don't bring the rain.

Going into marriage I think I assumed we would be true to our many promises both the big and the small... I especially thought of myself as a very faithful and honest person. Yet, I've been a promise breaker. In our humanity it is better to be realistic and to prepare for failure than to assume it will never happen and therefore be unprepared with a plan of action and intent when/if things don't go as hoped. If you're young and married or getting married soon I'm not saying you should assume you're going to face broken promises, I'm saying you will face broken promises so what will you choose to do when they come? I actually think there is wisdom in speaking with your spouse and talking through the easy stuff first, like, "What will you do if I forget our anniversary next year how will you respond?" all the way to, "If I ever have an affair will you be willing to forgive me?" 

And so now, how do you move forward in a positive direction after you've faced broken promises?

Jesus. 

Plain and simple. There is NO other answer. There is no other REASON.

Because of Jesus' kind of love we know how to truly love our spouse.

There is no other response to the great love and mercy Jesus has extended unto us than to give it also away. Giving it away hurts sometimes. Forgiveness is a decision, but healing from the wounds of broken promises can take much longer than an initial choice to forgive. Recognizing that I'm a promise breaker too is also a HUGE step toward healing and forgiveness. 

We have been in a series at church learning about being sin-ers not just mistake-ers... We all have this deep problem and fall short whether it is in the area of being promise breakers or in another area, but the common thread is that were it not for the unmerited favor and unimaginable mercy of God and surrender of Jesus we would all be lost and without hope. 

His great grace and the hope it brings should compel us to fight FOR our marriages! 

I was at a conference this weekend called IF and though they were speaking about comparison between women I feel this example rings even truer for our marriages... 

The "greener grass syndrome" is a theory you've probably heard about before... And the speaker said what if it is true? Because it just may be true that the grass really IS greener on the other side... Her husband might really be MORE loving, handsome, faithful, truthful, sacrificial, rich, truthful, gentle, in tune, pure, godly etc etc etc... 

But the question to ask ourselves is
HAVE YOU WATERED Y O U R grass recently? 

Watered it through the Word... 

Watered it through prayer... 

Watered it through confession both to one another and to another faith filled couple... 

Watered it through forgiveness... 

Watered it through honesty... 

Watered it with hope. 

So my encouragement to us as married, Christ following friends, is this... 

DON'T WALK ALONE! DON'T FIGHT ALONE! AND DON'T FIGHT WITHOUT YOUR SWORD--the Bible says the Word is our sword--it's actually the ONLY defensive weapon mentioned in Ephesians 6:17. 

Guided prayer thought: God help us not hide in our sin, help us SEEK and CREATE godly relationships with others so that we are developing a strong network of support. Help us as we seek to honor You by following Jesus' example of love, teach us what true Godly love looks like. Teach us to be humble. Teach us to forgive. Help us find healing from broken promises. Give us strength to not break so many promises in our marriage-to be stronger, more faithful to You and may that lead us to more faithfulness in our word and in our marriages. Help us find friendships that will hold us accountable and will SUPPORT our union. Help us know Your Word and use it as our sword to fight our battles with! In Jesus name amen! 

Scripture: Ephesians 6:10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we[d] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.[e] 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.[f]17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.