10 Days of Relational Ramblings Day Three

What's Love Got To Do With It? (Feeling love versus living/acting love)

His Thoughts: I'm sure you have heard it said that love is a verb. Most of us can probably agree with that; however, I think we may want to go a little further and define it if we are going to claim to know what it is. 

After doing a quick Google search, here is the definition that I found of love (verb): 

"Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone." 

If that is our definition of love in action form, then I guess it's pretty easy to see why the national divorce rate is around 50%. If love is just sensing these romantic and sexual feelings toward another person, than what happens when we stop feeling this way? Or what happens when we start feeling this way about someone other than our spouse? This definition of love is no gauge for a real, long-lasting relationship.

So if this definition of love isn't practical for marriage, what is? Honestly, I think the Bible offers a far superior definition. The Bible says this in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7...

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

There is no "falling out of" this kind of love; no, it perseveres. This love is a daily choice and a process. This love lives and breathes. It puts others first. It waits. It protects. It gives. It forgives. It is pure. It gives life!

Bearing this definition in mind, consider the following scenarios:

• If you love your spouse, what happens when they offend you? 
• If you love your spouse, what happens when you disagree?
• If you love your spouse, what happens when they disappoint you?
• If you love your spouse, what happens when you feel like you don't love them anymore?
• If you love your spouse, what happens when _______?

Her Thoughts: Emotions can be deceptive. "Feelings" of love will wax and wane. But, true committed love will choose love despite the emotions and feelings of the moments. The Bible says a couple things love is and a LOT of what love is not:

Patient.

Kind.

Rejoices when truth wins.

Always hopes.

Always endures through every circumstance.

Not jealous.

Not boastful.

Not proud.

Not rude.

Not demanding of own way.

Not irritable.

Not keeping records of wrongs.

Not rejoicing with injustice.

Not quitting.

Not losing faith.

As Bible believing Christians, following Jesus' example of love is so counter-cultural and so difficult. But interestingly, difficult is very different from burdensome. See walking in true, surrendered Biblical love is actually burden-releasing! The Bible says His commands are NOT burdensome. But that does not mean they are not difficult. After all, LAYING DOWN one's life is one of the greatest examples of LOVE. In a world that tells us that we ought to "do what feels good", or "do what makes us happy" it is very different looking to love like Christ calls us to.

One of the greatest personal examples of this for us is one story I love telling! Sean and I, after many countless discussions had decided we were done growing our family after our son was born (4 years ago now). I desired to be a godly respectful wife, so I willed myself to submit to his desire to be "complete". We shared many discussions about the topic of family size. But one morning particularly sticks out. We had limited time in our morning devotion that day, as we read the passage about a "quiver full" I saw tears stream down his cheeks... He had to rush off to work and after he left I spent the remainder of that day thanking God for speaking to his heart about the blessing of a "quiver full". Much to my dismay, God was not speaking to his heart the same word I was hearing. When he arrived home and after the kids went to bed that night we had time to discuss what God was speaking to our hearts during our morning devotion time. He was quick to say how God had spoken to his heart and overwhelmed him with gratitude for how undeservedly blessed he felt with our "quiver full". While I completely agreed we were undeservedly blessed and had a precious quiver, I undeniably felt it was not yet full. And if I were being really honest, at that point in life I didn't know if I would ever get to a point of feeling it was "full". So now it was my turn to have tears streaming down my face. I was immediately impressed by a spirit of submission and respectful unity though and replied in a final relent, "If that is really how you feel, I have got to stop holding onto this longing in my heart and submit to your leadership and wisdom to know what is best for our family."

After that day he chose to also relent, and recognize the deep longing and desire that laid within my heart. And so he decided to honor me above himself.

So we ended up mutually laying down (I'll spare the bedroom humor) and that very same week our little girl was conceived (which is quite the miracle as I am not typically one to easily or quickly conceive). To me, she is the greatest example of what TRUE love looks like--SURRENDER!

Guided prayer thought: Dear God, please help us live out Your true demonstration of love. Help us be willing to lay down our lives and follow You in this revolutionary kind of love. Help us recognize the difference between the worlds love and what You call us to-True Biblical Love! Teach us Your definition of love. And give us the strength and desire to live it out to one another!

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:4  4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

10 Days of Relational Ramblings Day Two

Why Friends are Still Important

His Thoughts: I think most happily married individuals would say that their spouse is their best friend and I tend to agree. But what happens to your other friends after you get married? Life gets insanely busy when you’re married. After all, we have kids and kids have sports and concerts and we are the taxi service, right? We also have jobs, and yes I said “jobs” plural because many of us have part-time jobs on top of full-time jobs. Bottom line is that we are busy so who has time for friends, right? The answer…  none of us do, but we have to make time anyway!

First, I believe that we have to keep in mind that life is a roller-coaster. We never know when a major crisis is around the corner. Difficult times in life can become increasingly difficult without an established support network. Build a support network now; don’t wait for the next crisis!

Secondly, we NEED accountability. Keep a select few friends who are close enough and know you well enough to ask difficult questions. These should be friends who you are comfortable with and who you trust. Give them permission to speak into your life and don’t get sensitive or easily offended when they speak truth to you.

If you are a guy, these close friends should be guys. If you are a lady, these close friends should be ladies. I am going to be totally honest and say that I don’t buy the idea of men having close female relationships outside of their wife or women having close male relationships outside of their husband.

These close friends also need to be grounded in their faith and people who will call you up, not bring you down.

So why are we talking about friends, this is supposed to be a marriage blog, right? In my opinion, it takes two healthy individuals in order to make a healthy marriage. Putting people and structure in your life that challenges you to be a better individual will also make you a better spouse. Often, when marriages fail, it’s because one or both individuals in a relationship start making toxic decisions. This often happens for one of two reasons: 1) one or both individuals have isolated themselves and do not have any positive influencers, or 2) one or both individuals have surrounded themselves with negative influencers. Both of these scenarios can be equally destructive. Make a choice to purposefully surround yourself with positive influencers. This takes work but it’s worth it! Hebrews 10:24-25

Her Thoughts: As women we often fear that "our dirty laundry" is going to be aired if we share our struggles. Because of the tendency for women to be gossipers and back biters and looking for opportunity to tear one another down not build one another up. But God wants something different for His children. The band of godly sisterhood is so invaluable when relationship struggles arise. It is so important to have that group of trusted sisters who will believe the best in YOU ANDDDDD YOUR HUSBAND! Finding a band of sisters who will be willing to call you OUT and UP and INTO what God sees in you and your spouse! 

There is need for this particularly when struggles arise and they WILL arise because we are all only human. The need is for both the ability to confess as well as then have support.

The beauty of confessing our sins and struggles one with another is that then when the battle is raging we aren't alone in the fight. Satan knows we are weaker alone and so often he uses fear, lies, insecurities and/or a feeling of superiority or competency on our own sometimes too, to isolate us in our battles. 

One caveat, most often it is wisest NOT to share your burdens and struggles in marriage with close family, as this can create bitterness and unforgiveness from them toward your spouse and quickly turn the struggle into a "his side/her side" issue. However, ask the Holy Spirit and use your best judgment and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you. Sometimes true healing can only take place through complete honesty with those nearest and dearest. The work of healing through struggles is messy and yet in the end, God can receive the glory when we stand up victorious as whole families under intense struggle. 

Purposing to find friends who are willing to remain neutral and are committed to helping both Sean and I find unity and healing has (outside of God alone) saved our marriage in so many ways. This was SO SO CRUCIAL, that we found Godly friends that did not create separation in us or give me "nicey nice" reasons why only I was right! (Another caveat is that abuse is much different than broken promises, if abuse is occurring within your marriage in any form, please seek professional help!)

I really value the imagery that this verse in Proverbs creates, Proverbs 25:14 says that broken promises are like the wind and the clouds that don't bring the rain.

Going into marriage I think I assumed we would be true to our many promises both the big and the small... I especially thought of myself as a very faithful and honest person. Yet, I've been a promise breaker. In our humanity it is better to be realistic and to prepare for failure than to assume it will never happen and therefore be unprepared with a plan of action and intent when/if things don't go as hoped. If you're young and married or getting married soon I'm not saying you should assume you're going to face broken promises, I'm saying you will face broken promises so what will you choose to do when they come? I actually think there is wisdom in speaking with your spouse and talking through the easy stuff first, like, "What will you do if I forget our anniversary next year how will you respond?" all the way to, "If I ever have an affair will you be willing to forgive me?" 

And so now, how do you move forward in a positive direction after you've faced broken promises?

Jesus. 

Plain and simple. There is NO other answer. There is no other REASON.

Because of Jesus' kind of love we know how to truly love our spouse.

There is no other response to the great love and mercy Jesus has extended unto us than to give it also away. Giving it away hurts sometimes. Forgiveness is a decision, but healing from the wounds of broken promises can take much longer than an initial choice to forgive. Recognizing that I'm a promise breaker too is also a HUGE step toward healing and forgiveness. 

We have been in a series at church learning about being sin-ers not just mistake-ers... We all have this deep problem and fall short whether it is in the area of being promise breakers or in another area, but the common thread is that were it not for the unmerited favor and unimaginable mercy of God and surrender of Jesus we would all be lost and without hope. 

His great grace and the hope it brings should compel us to fight FOR our marriages! 

I was at a conference this weekend called IF and though they were speaking about comparison between women I feel this example rings even truer for our marriages... 

The "greener grass syndrome" is a theory you've probably heard about before... And the speaker said what if it is true? Because it just may be true that the grass really IS greener on the other side... Her husband might really be MORE loving, handsome, faithful, truthful, sacrificial, rich, truthful, gentle, in tune, pure, godly etc etc etc... 

But the question to ask ourselves is
HAVE YOU WATERED Y O U R grass recently? 

Watered it through the Word... 

Watered it through prayer... 

Watered it through confession both to one another and to another faith filled couple... 

Watered it through forgiveness... 

Watered it through honesty... 

Watered it with hope. 

So my encouragement to us as married, Christ following friends, is this... 

DON'T WALK ALONE! DON'T FIGHT ALONE! AND DON'T FIGHT WITHOUT YOUR SWORD--the Bible says the Word is our sword--it's actually the ONLY defensive weapon mentioned in Ephesians 6:17. 

Guided prayer thought: God help us not hide in our sin, help us SEEK and CREATE godly relationships with others so that we are developing a strong network of support. Help us as we seek to honor You by following Jesus' example of love, teach us what true Godly love looks like. Teach us to be humble. Teach us to forgive. Help us find healing from broken promises. Give us strength to not break so many promises in our marriage-to be stronger, more faithful to You and may that lead us to more faithfulness in our word and in our marriages. Help us find friendships that will hold us accountable and will SUPPORT our union. Help us know Your Word and use it as our sword to fight our battles with! In Jesus name amen! 

Scripture: Ephesians 6:10 A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we[d] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.14 Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15 For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.[e] 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.[f]17 Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

10 Days of Relational Ramblings Day One

Resolving Conflict Within Your Relationship.

His thoughts:

Working through conflict can be difficult. It may be one of the more difficult challenges in a marriage relationship. The following are snippets of what I have personally learned about conflict resolution through trial and much error. First, for the sake of full disclosure I must say that while I am aware of these resolution concepts and strategies, I do not always use them when I should. Fortunately, we are not called to be perfect. Rather, we are called accept that we are NOT perfect and to build on our failures as we reach toward the good things that God has for us. Bearing this in mind, here we go...

1. Control your emotions, words and behaviors
Don't allow yourself to get angry and fly off the handle. This will blow the conflict out of proportion and send your interaction down a path you do not want it to go. Sometimes it feels like you can control the situation through yelling and intimidation, but trust me, it doesn't work. In fact, this usually makes things worse. Until you can get your anger under control, you may want to think about taking some time to cool down before engaging the situation further.

Anger is a natural emotion but it can be controlled. Be aware of the fact that your thoughts often trigger emotions. If you can think about the situation differently, you may be able to feel less angry. 

2. Respect her verbally and non-verbally
Be aware of what you say and how you say it. Watch your tone of voice and gestures. Bottom line, respect your wife with your words. 

Additionally, what you don't say matters too. One of the best ways to show respect without saying a word is by listening. Let your husband/wife speak. Give him or her time to finish their thoughts (even if it takes a while). Don't be afraid of silent pauses. Respectfully reflect back what you heard in order to make sure you really understood what he/she said.

3. Assume that she could be right 
Have you ever been wrong before? I have. I know it's hard to admit it in the moment. However, instead of waiting to find out that you were wrong and looking... well, stupid... at least assume that being wrong could be a possibility from the onset. This can really help to change your mindset about the conflict and make the thought of being wrong less personally offensive overall. 

4. Be willing to forgive
Sometimes conflict is due to an offense, and even when it's not, it is easy to get offended in the process of conflict. When we are offended by our spouse we have no choice but to forgive. A marriage relationship will inevitably struggle if unforgiveness is present. So if you want to have a successful marriage, choose to forgive. If you don't do it now, you will have to do it at some point.

5. Be specific
Don't get caught up in the vague untruth of "always" and "never" statements. Be specific about what the issue is and use an example of when it happened. Generalities often lead to exaggeration and increased levels of conflict. 

6. Compromise
You may think that your husband or wife never compromises, so why should you? Yes, and what if they are thinking the same thing? Choose to avoid this viscous cycle. Be willing to compromise first on issues that do not compromise your faith or core values. Compromise on something that is important to you. Set the example for your spouse and show them how much you love them. Maybe they will do the same in return.


Her thoughts: 

Conflict resolution.

Conflict resolution? 

Conflict resolution!

Sometimes this is how I feel about resolving conflict within our marriage. At first it is what it is, period. Then there are questions I have to ask myself. Often really big conflicts cause really big questions to arise. After that is often when the exclamatory begins. The heat rises; the stakes rise. 

CONFLICT RESOLUTION becomes CONFLICT when the questions grow louder than the answers. 

And sometimes there just are not easy answers. Sometimes there are no real answers at all. I think this makes some people really uncomfortable. I remember our first big argument as a married couple. It is kind of one of those etched eternally into our memories type of moments. We yelled. We don't even remember the original cause of the "fight" now, but we both remember his threat, "You say one more word and I am walking out." I guess it was my child-like, goofy nature and also a bit of my newly married "testing the waters"  type thought that caused me to react by simply saying, "Word!". At this he stubbornly and without another moments hesitation walked right out our door. I had no idea where he was going and I doubt he really did either. He showed me two things in that moment. 
1. He was a man of his word.
2. He was stubborn as all heck. 

I was stubborn as all heck too, though. In the end that "fight" ended with beauty and grace and mercy and probably a pretty good make-out session if I recall correctly. Ha! We can joke about it now. But in those moments where feelings are hurt and words are said or actions are done that hurt, there has to be something that causes the couple to look inside themselves and ultimately choose something. 

You either choose self...

Or, you choose to die to self. 

There really are no other choices. Within conflict resolution we have had to ask ourselves and each other some very difficult questions. But ultimately the greatest question to ask oneself within a conflict is this.

Am I willing to die upon this hill? 

In other words, does this conflict and being "right" in it matter more to me than the relationship it would be sacrificing to "win" the temporary battle? One thing Sean is VERY good at doing within conflict is his ability to say he is sorry. Believe it or not, he is usually the one to say it first. I am the bugger who holds out and doesn't want to admit my wrong. We have also resolved (as much as humanly possible) to talk through our conflicts before the sun goes down. There is something to be said about refusing to allow a seed of bitterness or hurt to grow. And instead, choosing to put out the flames of hurt through doing our best to find resolution and honor even in the disagreement or struggle, before the day is done. 

Guided prayer thought: Dear God, please show us what hills we need to stop standing on and where you are calling us to die to ourselves and follow your example of loving others above ourselves. Help us work on utilizing the tools and knowledge we have, in order to resolve conflict or even avoid it altogether. Teach our hearts to ask the right questions within conflict. Teach us to choose commitment and forgiveness above the need to be right. Help us to forgive as you forgave us. In Jesus' name we ask, amen.

Scripture: Ephesians 4:26 And don't sin by letting anger control you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Colossians 3:13 Make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

10 Days of Relational Ramblings Introduction

Hi! Welcome! 

We are a Married team. Two fiercely independent thinkers with strong wills, desiring to remain committed to God and one another. So, in our very independent and individual opinions we've also chosen to honor one another through deep discussions and care for the others point of view. It comes through sacrifice and humility and through much growth after struggling through. But the fruit has been precious and well worth the commitment. 

We met in college, 13 years ago now. We eventually had a class together; I bought the book and he did not. We studied. We talked. We flirted. We talked more. It was all because of math, and the rest is history. 

We hope you'll join us the next ten days as we explore some of the heaviest topics we have approached in our marriage over the past 11 1/2 years. We look forward to what God is going to do through this sharing. Join us! 

Guided Prayer Prompt: God, as we prepare to open our hearts to hearing Your voice through other's experience please speak to us. Please change what you want to change and grow what you want to grow and remove the branches that need to be pruned. Thank you God for Your great love that calls US to remain in You so that we bear much fruit and calls us to remain faithful to our marriage, as You've shown us greatest love and commitment. 

Scripture: In our marriage, we chose the scripture from John 15:5 as our wedding passage. It reads, "I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him he shall bear much fruit. Apart from Me he can do nothing." We encourage you also to choose a scripture to root your marriage upon. For us, this verse sums up our lives. If we choose to depart from Christ be it within the home, be it within our workplace, or be it within our marriage--we will ultimately fail, it will ultimately fail. Yet likewise, when we choose to remain rooted in HIM in our marriage, in our home, we will thrive! 

Thanks for coming along with us on this 10 day journey into our biggest relational challenges! May He bless and grow your marriage to be a big strong tall tree of faith rooted in Him!

~Abi for us